Introducing Haskins and The Commander

The MI5 building in London is a beautiful, modern building; a true testament to the architect's craft. Next door to it, on a vacant lot, sits a grubby portakabin supported on breeze blocks. In this draughty steel box, insulated with foam and warmed by a 2 bar heater, we will find The Commander.

The Commander is not perturbed by the reduced circumstances his basic facilities suggest. He is content to wait until MI5 building is completed and he can move his department into their new offices. He is blissfully unaware that he won't be moving anytime soon. The building was completed 18 months ago, everyone has simply forgotten about him.

The Commander is 52, he has been married to Gertie for 19 years. They have no children and are content. Commander Robert Smeg, happy to be called Bob, is overweight, balding and woefully out of his depth as a department head. That his department only contains 3 people and a dog tells you all you need to know about him.

After from The Commander there's Haskins, his number 1 agent. She's number 1 by default as she is his only agent.

Emma Haskins is 20 years younger than The Commander and joined straight from university. She attended the University of Hull, although no one knows why. She failed every class she took but no one said anything, she merely assumes her diploma got lost in the post. She also failed the MI5 entrance tests, but nobody told her. She failed their basic training too, and still no one thought to mention it to her so she turns up for work anyway. Due to appalling communication and strangely admirable perseverance in the face of the facts, she finds herself an agent in The Commander's department.

Slightly more worrying is the realisation she carries a gun.

The Commander has never fired his gun. Haskins has fired hers only once. Her little toe will never grow back.

Then there's Trevor Crapper. Trevor is the department dogsbody. Trevor is so monumentally stupid he makes Haskins and The Commander look gifted, no mean feat when you consider how inept they both are. Trevor is the office apprentice and has been for the past 12 years. He can frequently be found slumped in a corner having forgotten to breathe. For his own safety, he is banned from crossing roads alone. He is also banned from owning shoes with laces after nearly cutting off the circulation to his head.

Haskins has a service dog, a German Shepherd called Lassie. Lassie is just a normal dog yet still manages to possess a higher IQ than everyone else in the department... combined.

While Haskins and The Commander are staggeringly inept and habitual blunderers, it should be noted they both have a passionate devotion to their country, their jobs and to each other. They are loyal, honest and hardworking. They are essentially good people who just happen to be supremely incompetent.

The ultimate goal of the Commander, and therefore the department, is to bring down The Writer. The Writer (me) created them and controls them through his tweets. The Commander is outraged at the idea of an outside influence controlling MI5 and is determined to put an end to it. It has been explained to him that ending The Writer is suicide, however he doesn't know what suicide really means, he feels it might involve death, but as long as that death isn't his, then it's s risk he's willing to take.

Haskins and The Commander were created as a humourous couple to use only on Twitter for my #vss365 tweets. They have gained a life of their own thanks to requests for more and from the kind praise of writers I admire. Thank you all of you, this is for you.

P.S. if you would like to see the inspiration for Haskins and The Commander; here they are.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=QkKSRPOe72M

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